I love women, especially hot, naked ones. To that end I'm a sucker for a good old fashioned nudie calendar and the agriculture industry appears to be quite the nudie calendar practitioners.
They're not the only ones of course; I vividly remember my first encounter with a bona fide nudie calendar. It was 1990 and I was in the first form at school. The teacher was a Dickensian type who took no nonsense and demanded a high level of academia from his young chargers.
However, being in the first form meant those young chargers were aged around eleven or twelve and in the early throes of raging, hormonal puberty.
So when we embarked on what promised to be one of the most staid and boring 'field trips' of all time, to the Donaghy's rope factory in South Dunedin, we had no idea what tantalising treats lay in wait.
On arrival we were summonsed to some smelly little cubicle that we were told was the main 'office'. There we were greeted by someone who purported to be in charge, but looked like he'd just escaped from prison. As he closed the door and cast his beady eye over our regimented ranks one of the lads, future truck driver and collector of many a nudie calendar, Nathan Simpson, began sniggering under his breath and nudging all those in his general orbit.
On silent inquiry, we were one by one alerted to certain aspects of the office décor; namely, a whole bunch of pornographic images, plucked from some of the finest 80s nudie calendars you've ever set eyes on.
As the sniggering became audible over the cacophony of the rope-making machines, Dickens twigged to the origin of this outlandish behaviour, as did the Prison Escapee.
The former went bright red while the latter flashed a knowing smirk and appeared to revelling in this most uncomfortable of moments. The red-faced teacher then ushered the class out of the 'office', with some of the male contingent having to exit with what appeared to be the solemnity of a funeral procession - heads bowed and hands clasped in front of their nether regions... we were only twelve!
So ever since that South Dunedin version of Stand By Me, all those young boys in that rope factory that day have had an affinity with nudie calendars. Not to be gender-biased, and operating on the law of averages, I dare say one or two of the females in the class that day have also developed an appreciation of nudie calendars over the years.
Nowadays I always look forward to Phil Ropiha from Stihl sending down a copy or two of their calendar at the start of each year. The fact you have you stare at the pictures like you're critiquing a Picasso to find the Stihl product hiding behind the scantily clad model is beside the point; in fact it's like a grown up version of Where's Wally!
The Sthil calendar is a handy accompaniment to the standard Secret Santa present I receive from my office colleagues at end of each year - a desk-top size Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Calendar for the imminent New Year. What can I say?... they know me well.
And a further source of nudie calendar comes via the third year Veterinary Science students at Massey University. At the midway point of their five year degree, the students embark on a naked photo shoot which turns into the annual Barely There calendar.
The calendar's been in production for over a decade now and each group of students decide on a charity to benefit from a portion of the proceeds they make off calendar sales. There's always an agriculture theme, it's always tastefully done and I've been assured by many a student over the years they have a lot of fun putting the whole thing together.
This year's charity of choice is the Mental Health Foundation for its work with Farmstrong, a venture that's designed to help with farmer wellbeing. The students recognise there is a high suicide rate among both farmers and vets and hope the proceeds help raise awareness around suicide prevention.
This year's calendar covers the months from July 2017 to June 2018 and are available to buy at www.vetcalendar.co.nz from April.
The students also tell me this year they've created a page especially for The Country host Jamie Mackay; an all-male photo comprising every bloke in the class in nothing but their birthday suits!